


Why Draco Malfoy Hates Pumpkins

by fandomfairytales



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Draco 'how's my hair' Malfoy, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Halloweeen, Hermione saving Draco, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Sort Of, by that I mean it was funny when I was drunk, it'll make sense I promise, its wacky so bear with me, the pumpkin is clumsy, theres a giant sentient pumpkin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 22:20:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16417070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomfairytales/pseuds/fandomfairytales
Summary: A short, wacky Halloween tale that explains why Draco Malfoy hates a certain type of squash. Perhaps a giant man-eating pumpkin had something to do with it?





	Why Draco Malfoy Hates Pumpkins

**Author's Note:**

> Trying my hand at writing something short, I tend to make even the flimsiest ideas into something drawn out so I challenged myself to keep this as close to 2000 words as possible, drunk me was surprisingly compliant so here we are. 
> 
> hope you like it :) enjoy  
> xo

 

 

 

oOo

It all started with an invitation; just a spot of tea at Hagrid’s before the Halloween feast. A wonderfully mundane activity, Hermione expected it to be perfectly relaxing.

She often wondered why more things in her life couldn’t remain that way, but then again, there were some things that were uncomplicated; Her studies, her friendships, her relationship with- she looked at the clock and lost her train of thought, she was going to be unspeakably late!

She always enjoyed visiting Hagrid, time spent with the care of magical creatures professor was never boring and she certainly didn’t mind Fang’s somewhat slobbery kisses. But for some strange reason, the trip down to his quaint little hut had a slight air of mischief, maybe even danger about it.

She made her way down the hill quickly, passing the spot where she slapped her boyfriend all those years ago, trying to figure out what her instincts were picking up on. Eventually, she gave up and decided to put it down to anticipation; she always loved Halloween. As head girl she knew she would be ‘putting out fires’ (perhaps literally) for the rest of the night, but she wasn’t about to let that spoil her fun.

Lost in thought, she passed the giant pumpkin patch, now rather bare looking (except for the Halloween rejects) and knocked on Hagrid’s comically large front door. A couple of heavy footfalls sounded from inside, and it swung open to reveal the smiling half-giant.

“‘ermione! Righ’ on time just like always. Kettle’s jus’ about ter whistle.”

He stepped aside to let her in and after setting the table they immediately got stuck into catching up and slightly burnt honey cake. She quickly realised that without Harry and Ron there it felt different, but she still enjoyed herself immensely, Hagrid had always been a kindred spirit and she felt rather guilty about not visiting more often.

The last time she had, it was with Draco in tow and they were there to tentatively announce that after much arguing (recently and over the years) and a whole lot more apologizing and making up, they were attempting to survive dating each other.

Hagrid had been wary at first, typical mother hen reaction, but like most people, he eventually accepted that the Malfoy heir was to be believed when he said that he no longer adhered to the beliefs he had been raised with and had made a lot of changes. It didn’t take long for his apology to settle in and Hagrid warmed up to Draco rather quickly after that.

This time around she was solo and both being chatterboxes, time simply flew by. She knew the moment he got onto the topic of creatures she’d be there a while, but she liked to listen. Hagrid truly had the gift of the gab; this time the story was that he had attended a rather shady sounding dragon race and ended up leaving with one in tow. Because, of course he did.

He was in the middle of telling her about Charlie’s reaction to the abuse the creature had suffered under its trainer when there was a loud, ridiculous sounding screech from outside. Something about it sounded familiar; her curiosity piqued, she peered out the window to investigate and jumped when there was a sharp, urgent sounding knock on the door.

Hoping she wouldn’t have to greet any students trick or treating because most of them liked to trick even if they got a treat (why not when you have actual magic?), she went to answer and instead came face to face with a rather bedraggled, out of breath Draco Malfoy; her incorrigible, towheaded boyfriend.

Shocked, she took in the sight of her partner; his robes were rumpled, torn and grass-stained, his tie was askew, his hair as wild as Harrys on a good day and he was missing a shoe; honestly it reminded her of the last time they went for a picnic, minus looking like he’d seen a ghost; in the Muggle sense of the expression because seeing ghosts was completely normal for them.

He pushed past her and shut the door, supporting himself against the frame; she was torn between helping him to sit down or having Hagrid fetch Madam Pomfrey in case he had been injured. However, he solved the conundrum for her the moment he could get enough air to speak.

“I'm fine Granger…Can hear-you-thinking; grab your wand, you're going to need it.”

Judging by the state he was in, something had managed to get the jump on him; never let it be said that Draco had a hair out of place in public. He was better about it these days, slightly; and only because she had a habit of running her fingers through his silky locks at various intervals throughout the day. He liked her doing that so eventually he just gave up on caring about it. She’d always do her best to fix him up and that seemed a decent enough compromise, it just became part of their post snog routine, along with straightening his tie and tucking her blouse back in.

But back to the matter at hand. Whatever was going on, he was definitely going to need some help, usually, he would be far too proud to ask (yet another thing he was working on), but with his sudden arrival and her instincts screaming at her, she didn’t stop to wonder why. She ran back in to grab her bag and wand, apologised to Hagrid, promising to visit again soon, before sprinting back out the open door (which she was certain had been closed a moment ago) and bumping right into… She rubbed her eyes to check she wasn’t dreaming… Nope, there was definitely a giant jack-o-lantern with stubby legs of twisted vine standing in front of her.

She was too confused to move, her brain worked a million miles an hour to figure out how a pumpkin managed to gain sentience, well she knew how, but… She was just amazed by the sheer genius of it, whatever spellwork brought this monstrosity to life, it was well beyond the talents of most students; oh, but she could think of a few culprits capable of a prank of this magnitude.

She was so awed she forgot that she originally had company; A disembodied, muffled sound reminded her of that small but important fact and she quickly looked around, trying to spot Draco. When she heard it again, it became clear that the source was right in front of her…

Hermione’s jaw dropped when she realised that Draco Malfoy had just been eaten by a giant grinning pumpkin.

She added that statement to the list of things she never thought she would say and did her best not to let the ridiculousness of the situation distract her. All she really wanted to do was let herself have a proper laugh about it, but it was going to have to wait. She started trying spells almost immediately, hoping that she would get lucky and find a way to turn the pumpkin… Well, back into a pumpkin; preferably with fewer teeth.

Hagrid, upon hearing the commotion had come barreling out of his hut with nothing save his fists to fight it. She was thankful for the help, but it just wasn’t going to cut it, the damn thing was tough. No matter what she tried, the cumbersome fruit just kept snapping at her heels while she tried to run.

Just when she thought things couldn’t get any weirder, the oversize fruit started heckling. Unfortunately, its taunts were far from intimidating; quite the opposite really.

“…Try to turn me into a carriage why don’t you?!”

“You're not gonna make soup out of this pumpkin!”

“Maybe I’ll turn _you into juice, how would you like that?”_

_“Can’t _squash_ me, haha!”_

There was a beat of silence before Hermione and Hagrid finally burst out laughing. Tears ran down their faces and from inside the maw of the creature, they heard Draco whine;

“Are you fucking kidding me! This isn’t funny!”

That just made things worse for the duo and the pumpkin looked confused before realising why they were laughing. It tried to run at them again hoping to catch them off guard but instead, it tripped and went bouncing off, rumbling as it rolled, its little legs flailing helplessly now that it was on its side.

Hermione thought she was going to die, she couldn’t breathe, her chest hurt, and her throat felt tight; she watched it all happen in slow motion and could just imagine Draco bouncing around inside, the mental image was so amusing it took her a moment to be concerned.

Speaking of mental images, she could practically hear his indignant complaining already. If they gave out gold medals for it; he’d sweep the podium and take home a participation ribbon for good measure.

By the time the pumpkin reached the bottom of the hill and rolled to a stop, it became clear that whatever magic had brought it to life was no more. She could just see where Draco was trying to break through and kicked herself back into action, taking off down the hill to help him.

It was a complete and utter mess of cracks and holes, the ‘facial features’ had completely disappeared in the process making the pumpkin whole again, save for the damage and therefore so much harder to get out of. But they managed it in almost no time at all (she was careful not to use spells that might harm Draco in the process).

He came out covered in seeds and pumpkin innards and Merlin help her she was so close to cracking up. Draco, on the other hand, was not in any kind of laughing mood and she was sure if this had happened a few years ago she would have heard the most epic declaration of “My father will hear about this” ever.

Taking a good look at him to ensure he wasn't injured, she had a feeling it might be best to avoid mirrors until he showered, his hair was looking rather more orange than silvery blond. She helped him up out of the pumpkin scraps and started to help pick off some of the larger bits and pieces stuck to him, her strained expression giving away how funny she found it.

He was looking at her rather oddly and just when she was about to berate him for not helping her clean himself up, he cupped her face in his hands and crushed his lips against her own. It was desperate, hungry, passionate; all the things you might expect from a 'thank you for saving me from a giant, spooky pumpkin that tried to digest me' kiss.

By the time McGonagall showed up with Madam Pomfrey in tow, Hermione was somewhat calmer and had rediscovered her sense of humour (her anger had flared up as soon as she realised he was actually hurt). Once Draco was given the all clear...well mostly clear, he had a minor concussion, a sprained ankle and an impressive collection of bruises... They started making their way back up to the castle, breaking out into intermittent fits of disbelieving laughter. If they hadn’t shared the experience, she might have convinced herself it didn’t happen between Hagrid's hut and their dorm.

then again, he did have the bruises to prove it.

 

 

oOo

_One Year Later_

'The attack of the giant pumpkin' was a tale that had quickly become a Hogwarts legend. One year on and younger students were still embellishing it, bringing the story to new, hilarious heights; occasionally they would hear about a new rendition from Neville and they’d laugh all over again at the zany event, but overall it was quite a small blip in their Hogwarts experience.

They never found out who had set up the elaborate prank, but there had been whispers; some said it was Peeves, others speculated it was a certain joke shop owner, or possibly even a second year that had an accident whilst practising spells; but no one knew for sure.

The following Halloween was thankfully far more peaceful in comparison. The small flat she shared with her fiancé (that had happened on graduation day much to her surprise), was decorated in accordance with muggle traditions for the party they had planned; so, in other words, it was ridiculously cheesy… The bannisters were covered in cobwebs, little paper bats hung haphazardly from the ceiling, every room was bathed in the warm glow of candlelight, But there was one Halloween decoration noticeably absent in the Granger-Malfoy household ( a fitting description considering they both planned to hyphenate).

There wasn’t a single carved pumpkin in sight.

And if you asked Draco Malfoy why, he would give you a damn good reason.

The end.

 

oOo


End file.
